The Green Thing

In the line at the store, the cashier told the older woman that she should
bring her own grocery bag because plastic bags weren't good for the
environment.  

The woman apologized to him and explained, "We didn't have the green thing
back in my day."

The clerk responded, "That's our problem today. The former generation did
not care enough to save our environment."

He was right, that generation didn't have the green thing in its day.

Back then, they returned their milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles
to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and
sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So
they really were recycled.

But they didn't have the green thing back in that customer's day.

In her day, they walked up stairs, because they didn't have an escalator in
every store and office building. They walked to the grocery store and didn't
climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time they had to go two blocks.

But she was right. They didn't have the green thing in her day.

Back then, they washed the baby's diapers because they didn't have the
throw-away kind. They dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling
machine - wind and solar power really did dry the clothes. Kids got
hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new
clothing.

But that old lady is right, they didn't have the green thing back in her day.

Back then, they had one TV, or radio, in the house - not a TV in every room.
And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief, not a screen the
size of the state of Montana . In the kitchen, they blended and stirred by
hand because they didn't have electric machines to do everything for you.
When they packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, they used a wadded up
old newspaper to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.

Back then, they didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the
lawn. They used a push mower that ran on human power. They exercised by
working so they didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that
operate on electricity.

But she's right, they didn't have the green thing back then.

They drank from a fountain when they were thirsty instead of using a cup or
a plastic bottle every time they had a drink of water. They refilled their
writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and they replaced the
razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just
because the blade got dull.

But they didn't have the green thing back then.

Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to
school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service.
They had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to
power a dozen appliances. And they didn't need a computerized gadget to
receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to
find the nearest pizza joint.

But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful the old folks
were just because they didn't have the green thing back then?

Taxes Are Hillarious

Taxes Are Hilarious: From Ronald Reagan to Jay Leno 

Published: Wednesday, 13 Apr 2011 | 2:08 PM ET 

   By: Cindy Perman

CNBC.com Staff Writer

Taxes always make your head hurt but in these fiscally-challenging times, they’re a full-on, shut-the-blinds, I’ve-got-to-lie-down migraine. 

You know that expression, “They look at you like you’re a piece of meat” — well today, it’s more like, "They look at you like you’re a bag of money.” 

Case in point: An accountant was recently awarded $4.5 million in the first IRS whistleblower award. The man tipped off the Feds that his employer, a financial-services firm, was cheating on its taxes. The tip netted the IRS a cool $20 million in tax revenue. The IRS mailed the man’s lawyer a check for $3.24 million — that’s $4.5 million minus 28 percent in taxes. 

You couldn’t make this stuff up. 

To help ease the pain, here are a bunch of hilarious quotes about taxes: 

“The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.”

— Albert Einstein 

“The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets.”

— Will Rogers 

“The problem is that you keep thinking about it as your money.”

— IRS auditor 

“Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag.”

— Jay Leno 

“It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta.”

— Dave Barry

”I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?”

— Milton Berle 

”I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons.”

— Douglas Adams 

“The government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”

— Ronald Reagan 

”If you are truly serious about preparing your child for the future, don't teach him to subtract — teach him to deduct.”

— Fran Lebowitz 

“If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don’t get wet you can keep.”

— Will Rogers 

“Taxation with representation ain’t so hot either.”

— Gerald Barzan 

“The taxpayer — that’s someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t have to take the civil service examination.”

— Ronald Reagan 

“I’m proud to pay taxes in the United States; the only thing is, I could be just as proud for half the money.”

— Arthur Godfrey 

“Did you ever notice when you put the words “THE” and “IRS” together, it spells “THEIRS?!”

— Author unknown 

“People who complain about taxes can be divided into two classes: men and women.”

— Author unknown

”I love America, but I can't spend the whole year here. I can't afford the taxes.”

— Mick Jagger 

“Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is quite as satisfying as an income tax refund.”

— F. J. Raymond 

Shout out to our friend, financial advisor Jerry Lynch, who compiled several of these quotes to help ease his clients’ pain.

Don’t forget: Taxes are due April 18. This year, thanks to a well-timed holiday, taxpayers have an extra three days to get their taxes in.